On occasion, I have been known to sit back and smile, if only to enjoy the fleeting seconds of euphoria created by the tightly flexed muscles of my mouth. Even if few and far between these days, those moments are saved for two very special wee people in my life. Savored and thrown out into the world to fall upon my girls, hoping only that a reciprocating smile be cast my way.
It's not that things are frantic or sad...no reason really. Depression hasn't reared her ugly head and this is relief enough to stay calm. The silence has become bearable - if not a little achy, I mean come on - and there are plenty of "daddy videos" installed on the computer to keep us in touch.
I like to think of it as a joint investment in consideration of a newly acquired girlfriend. The girls now have play friends and I have someone who can carry a dialog, sound intelligent, all at the same time, and listen to my story as well. As with most girlfriends of the past, she is the vibrant and energetic of this new friendship wherein I, remain the more subdued. I'm comfortable in this setting.
It is, after all, the core foundation of most of my relationships.
Whether that includes Earl and I remains to be seen...we've changed dramatically these past few years - our foundation contracting and expanding, allowing for the bumps and grinds to happen, not destroying us in the process.
My internal organs have posted lease termination notices. Ye old gallbladder raced right to the forefront (he has been hangin around, all inflicted, since 2004) once again this Friday...sending mamsita straight to the trusty army UCC. At which point my pains intensified not only due to the insufferable wait but alas, the bitch of a civilian doctor employed there...barking at me as if I were in the military. I regress, forgive, but seriously - Bitch, my husband's in the Navy, not me.
To which my early a.m. appointment came and went smoothly today due to the gentle and efficient touch of the Army Reservist who replaced the bitch that was. My gallbladder thanks her.
Note forwarded to the asshole causing nausea, gut pain, shoulder pain, and bloating...your time is short. Get your kicks now 'cause your sludgy ass is gonna be snipped.
A frown less angry rather a tad more 'pfft, please', issued to the hairstylist that snipped my lovely locks Saturday. Dearness, I understand the sheer exhaustion twins - as a true single mother no less - must bring to your life. However, this does not allow you the luxury of poo pooing and one upping other mothers. Ever. We're all exhausted. I bitch and whine but I do NOT feel my role is any more or less time consuming and frustrating than any other parent. I'm not saying 'get over it' just ...calm the fuck down with the pity party.
Yeah, I see what I wrote. Taking note of it.
So, it's not so much all these things that keep my smiles at bay, more, things that happen that just don't make any sense. That luck isn't with me a whole lot these days is more the culprit.
We came in from the cold this afternoon, mom and two bebes draped across her shoulders, both sleeping soundly and ready to be placed in their cribs. The only thing keeping me from dropping soundly into the warmth of my own bed was the steady blinking light of the voice-mail.
Interesting. I had already spoken with my mom and all friends were off taking care of their own families...no time for phone calls.
A quick check and a call back and it seems - our townhouse was vacated. Early. As in four months early and some pretty nice loose change early to boot. In asking the property manager what happened, finding that he had ignored my previous call earlier in 2006 to extend her lease, it seems the person renting thought she had to leave in January.
I'm sorry. Fucking what? It's the thirteenth of February and I'm just now being told that she left in January?
What's done is done and now, without the benefit of the man whom actually owns the damn place, I'm soaking up the cost of three months of mortgage, hoping beyond all hope that no other incidents occur. Because that would just be icing on the cake.
Here's to the smiles - may they brighten the rooms and lighten the faces of those we love. May they also lessen the stress within.

